It’s a proven fact that your zodiac sign dictates every aspect of your life. Suffer from indecision? Check your horoscope. Don’t have a personality? Adopt that of your sign, or just pick one to identify as like I do. Astrology is the easiest fix in the book, offering great advice on both relationships and friendships. 

Unfortunately, some students at Hutchison seem to have missed the memo, so in the true spirit of not just Valentine’s Day, but more importantly Galentine’s, I decided to help out the community by exposing incompatible friendships as my way of spreading love this February fourteenth. 

With the super reliable and comprehensive Horoscope.com friendship test at my disposal (in areas of Hutch covered by Verizon™), I set out with two goals. Number 1 was to save my fellow honey bees from their disastrous friendships, and second was to do so while not becoming the school’s crazy astrology girl in my first month out of Ohio Oregon.

I first caught up with two juniors, Virgos Breland M and Ella L. The compatibility test insightfully recommended that “these two should take care to give each other constructive advice instead of cutting comments.” 

To this Ella sweetly advised her friend, “wash your hair,” while Breland thought Ella “maybe should take a rest day.”

The webpage went on to say that “these book lovers will also enjoy plundering each other’s libraries.” However, when I inquired how one might plunder a library, Ella declined to comment and it was too quiet in the room for Breland to do anything other than pose unsuspectingly for the following picture.

Fellow juniors Linley D and Mallory M also gave the website a shot, and fortunately the two received an overall positive response. While Taurus and Gemini “have different approaches to life,” Linley sees that as a good thing stating, “Mallory is very bold in life. She’s not scared of confronting people, which is what I need.”

Linley and Mallory also agreed with the statement: “When these two signs do form a friendship, it’s usually on the basis of a mutual interest,” citing their common hobbies as listening to music in the car, driving around (in cars), road tripping (requires a car), and Oxford (reached by car). #cargirls #?

Finally, Horoscope.com stated that “Gemini admires Taurus’ great taste.” Mallory confirmed that “Linley has really good taste in clothes.”

However that might have something to do with Emerson A’s observation: “They have the exact same taste in clothes.”

Next I found seniors Emma P and Mary Franklin W, who are Cancer and Gemini signs respectively. 

The website stated that Gemini and Cancer friendships “don’t come easily,” and that “mostly, they laugh at each other’s quirks.” The statement, while disappointing to the life-long friends, rang at least partially true.

“Mary Franklin is scared of storms and elevators and the dark so I laugh at her,” Emma commented. 

Mary Franklin on the other hand responded, “I laugh at Emma because she’s just upfront with everyone… especially underclassmen.”

Hearing that the stars don’t think their friendship is meant to be was disappointing, causing them to reflect, “maybe we shouldn’t have learned this.” However, it might have helped them get to the root of their issues:

Emma: “It was probably because of our fifth grade fight.”

Mary Franklin: “Emma used to dig her fingernails into my arm until I cried.”

My last pair of volunteers was Taurus-Aquarius duo Sally M and Katherine R.

In response to the verdict that “Taurus and Aquarius don’t have much in common, but they do have a shared love of security,” the two reflected that they are “really mean to each other as friends.” 

As for their shared love of security, Sally affirmed, “We venmo each other back.” 

Horoscope.com also commented that “Taurus will roll their eyes at Aquarius’s offbeat tastes.”

As far as “offbeat tastes,” the group agreed that Katherine “has a lot of them,” including that she hyper extends her legs, sings in cursive, and worst of all, “she sleepwalks.”

“I woke up the next morning in this random sweater,” Katherine confessed. 

Photo evidence of the incident is available upon request.

Inspired to cut friends out of your life for entirely based reasons? Visit https://www.horoscope.com/us/games/compatibility/game-friendship-compatibility.aspx for advice or feel free to seek help from your favorite mid-year transfer (me not Isabella duh).